The Women... Continued.

The Women in my life. Continued…

I wish that I could really post a picture of all the women in my life and dedicate a section to each one as they are all very equally important in how they contributed to the happiness, sadness, joy, and love of my life that goes on and on as it does.

I shall start with the one that started it all going. T. My mother is a work of art. I do not think that any other phrase will do justice for her, me or the world. I love my Mom do not get me wrong but some times there are levels of frustration there that are so hard to over come that you just have to walk away and chant to your self “I love her, I love her, I love her, I love her, I love her…..” all the while smiling, you get my point. Oh and Mom if you’re reading this I LOVE YOU…….. : ) My mother married when she was 19 or 20 to R and shortly there after had me. I am not 100% on the story just yet but some day I am sure I will find out. As from the previous blog you have read that the man that she was married to at the time is not my father and that P is my true father even though I hold R’s last name. ( that may be another post also)

As I was growing up after T and R separated I was oblivious to life and it’s surroundings. I was a kid and needed not to worry about such things. I remember my grandparents always being around and thought that odd when going over to other friend’s houses and seeing that their grandparents did not live with them also. As I think about it now I should have been Oriental or Asian by other worldly customs and traditions.

As time moved on and I was about 4 or so and about ready to start Kindergarten R meet a woman by the name of M. She was a great woman. She loved me and took care of me as though I was her own son. Together her and R had a son N. I remember her well as she reminded me of a princes at times especially when I look back at some of the pictures now of their wedding. She was diligent in teaching me to read and know the basics in life. I remember her telling me later in life after seeing her again after about 18 years that I had troubles with matching colors and that is part of the reason I was held back in Kindergarten. I remember this because all my friends went on to 1^st grade and I was like where they going? Don’t I get to go with them? Why are they going ahead to that other play ground and I am stuck on this one? You see where my mind was even then as a kid. It was just that. I wanted to be a kid and did not care about other things. Any way she helped me a lot in life and I am very thankful for her. Thank you M.

Next there were several other women that R did not marry but did hook up with and spent time with that all was kind of a blur because I was too busy doing my own thing and the only constant in my life was R and my grandparents. I hope that you see a trend here. R never moved out basically and this was his down fall in life. If you have ever seen the movie “failure to launch” then you know what I am talking about. Except in my version of life, there was me in it and R had a son living with him. He was and still is dysfunctional. But this posting is not about him alone as that too is another post. Any way after moving from Northern California when I was 7 years old to Eastern Washington State R had a few more girlfriends and moved in with one but still not far enough away that one could not through a stick to Grandma’s and Grandpa’s house and not miss. Finally after a few years I was about 9 I think R meet KG. (not to be confused with K that is me.) They got together and R did his usual sultry ways and what ever and KG got pregnant and was going to have BM. (not to be confused with Bowl Movement. : ) just kidding bro. I love ya.) Short story long, KG and R got married (shot gun wedding type) and moved to Spokane Washington area. KG now KM was and is a great woman in my life still. She looked after me in so many ways. I think that God sent her to me because God knew that I needed some in my life at that very moment that was going to be a mother, a friend, a confidant. She to me is not a Step Mother, she is my Mom. Yes I have a Mom already but this lady took me in when she did not have to. She made sure that I had a place to sleep, food to eat and that I was taken care of. I lived my life with R in worry. If you ever come to my house and see pictures of me when I was a young lad, before KG you would wonder why I looked so Sad so Lost and so Lonely. I contribute this reason to not having a Mom. R took KM through some serious and down right wrong ways in life. Lying, Cheating, Stealing, Meanness, all these things a person should not have to go through. Through thick and thin though she stuck it out and in the midst of all this she had another boy R the II. (my two bros are also deserving of another post) and yet she always took care and provided for us boys. I know that there are many other Moms out there that are great and do wonderful things and have to over come many obstacles in life but KM deserves a Mom life time achievement award in my eyes.

After being separated from my birth Mom for 14 years and R for 1 ½ because he and KM split and he made me go with her as at that time even he knew that she could provide for me better than he could. (another post, but that one I think will be of anger and resentment to R) I got to re-meet my Mom T. That was an odd meeting I must say. From that meeting it was determined that I should go and live with T for the rest of my schooling days as there were not many of them left. The first year that I can remember ever starting and finishing at the same school was in the 7^th grade. Remember I moved around a lot. Not because of any branch of service either.

My 10^th grade year is the year that I went to move in with T. It was a difficult thing to do for not only me but for T and KM also. KM had me all those years and here she had to let me go to some woman that I had barely meet or knew and that she only knew for a couple of hours. So stuff packed and in the van I go over the mountains to Seattle. I wish I could say that it was smooth sailing from there but it was not. I was who I was and am by that point and T wanted to try and change some of that. Me being of 15 years old ( and a teen ager) and some what set in how I was because I had to pretty much raise my self in one way or another with either R being gone, or KM working to make sure us boys were taken care of and me watching two younger brothers in between all of this also. So needless to say there was some major head butting going on there. Now mind you we had fun times also it was not all fighting, kicking, or screaming. She just wanted things done her way and the way that she knew how to do them was with out me. She was not used to having this kid around. I do not think that I was the one that had to change a whole lot but more she was the one that had to change. She had to get used to the idea that there was this kid around when in fact she was used to being on her own.

She I do not think had that mothering instinct. I think that she did not have it very much when she had me and this is the reason that she let me be with R instead of keeping me and she knew that she could not for some reason face R and tell him that I was not his son and that she cheated on him and instead I was some one else’s son and that she too could not even tell P that I was his. Who knows where I would be today had she kept me or had she told R that I was not his son. Or not to mention had she told P that I was his and that I went to live with him all these years of T could not have raised me. No one knows and I am not blaming any one for the way that I turned out. I turned out the way I am despite all the trials that I had to go through. This posting is more of a tribute to the women in my life that helped to shape and mold me into who I am today and who I am going to be for the rest of my life. I love those women for all that they taught me. I have no idea or thought where I might be today if it was not for them, I only know that I am so very, very thankful for them and their love to a child that was never their responsibility in the first place.

K.

Ako Sa Mas`?

How is it? This is the question of my life. How is it a person can go their whole life not knowing just exactly who they are? How is it that a person can go through life not even knowing their last name? How is it?

Let me tell you “Ako Sa Mas`”.

Here is a little story that I’d like to tell, about two bad brothers you know so well, it started way back in history…… (sorry, had to go Beastie Boys there for sec. Remember the title of this blog and you will have an insight as to how I think.) No really though it did start way back in history a little over 30 years ago. I know only two sides of the story of how it got started but the jests of it is P (my father) and T (my mother) shacked up one night when she came up to the Seattle, Washington area (where Nana & G-Pa were living at the time) from northern California on a hiatus or separation period from her then husband R. That night needless to say was the beginning of a long…… Well I am not sure what to call it. The times were filled with lies, deceit, troubles, moving (lots of moving from place to place), different women that came into my life as well as out (for which I am so very thankful for, not for the leaving part but for the kindness that they showed me. If it was not for them I am not sure where, or who I might be today), the only constant figure I had in my life was R at least until I was 14 years old and he told me to go and live with my step mom. This was a saving grace on his part because it partially led me to where I am today. There were times where I wondered who I was, where I was going, where I was going to end up, how was I going to get there and what was I doing but I do not think that my brain could have completely rationalized it to its fullest extent. The “IT” that I am hinting at or seemingly avoid saying is this.

I meet for the first time my father after almost 30 years. I turn 30 this year. I did not know he (P) was my father until I was 20. I did not know him! My family knew him. They (to include my mom, G-Pa, Nana, Aunti C, and Uncle M) knew who he was and what he was like. They knew his mannerisms, the way he walked, talked, thought and well they knew that P was just P. There is no other way to describe him. He is who he is. I to this date can not recall how many times I have heard that about my self. I have heard many, many times from people that I know, that “K is who he is, that is it.” This came from people who do not know P, but they know me. Even my wife will tell you this. She too met P this weekend. I will let her blog tell her story of the whole thing. I will not try to explain what she saw for the simple reason that I am not sure my brain has fully digested what it is thinking.

Finding your self in some one else.

I found my self this weekend or rather I found out more about who I am just from spending two days with a man. I saw things about him that still boggle my mind. I looked at his features and found that “hey that’s my leg.” Or “hey that is my chin”. We all went for a walk one night “B, E, P, Me and Dog in tow” and just the way that he walked was so familiar to me. How is it possible? How is it we could have the same style of walking and have never meet before this weekend? How is it that when talking to some one we both get excited and have the same hand gestures and we have never meet before this weekend? I always thought that this was something that you learned from your parents when growing up with them. I was proved wrong in this thought. There are so many similarities about him and I that it blows my wife’s mind away as well as mine. There are so many similarities yet there are so many differences. (again see wife’s blog about third party view point on similarities and differences.) I learned better as to who am I? I learned more of where my inner core being comes from. I now have a better insight as to the enthusiasm and exuberant behavior of mine & how it often gets mistaken as being cocky or overly aggressive and intimidating. It is not any where near that. It is more a sense of being excited and thrilled about what is going on around me, it is more of a surge on life. I found yet another behavior of mine in P. Here is the scenario. P and I have been cooking dinner all day for B’s dad and step mother. They finally show up for dinner and we are ready to eat. In true me form, P this time instead of me, is the silent one when meeting new people. For a little while there I was not sure what was going on. But after a few pokes and prods and well telling of good jokes, I get P to loosen up and he starts talking more. It was so strange to have to encourage what I viewed as my self into talking in a strange and unfamiliar environment.

Molded by life & the Women in it.

Life it self has molded me into the person that I am today. It was a long drawn out process just like any one else. How ever, if I had met my father 5 years ago or even 9 years ago I do not think we would have had the same outcome of this last weekend. Simply it was not meant to happen until now. Things happen when they do for a reason. What that reason is and who controls those reasons is so unclear to (in my opinion) all of us that we have to let it go and not worry about it but rather just go with it. I was meant to go with R from the time I was born until age 14. I was meant to learn from him what not to become and what not to do. I was meant to see the drugs, lies, stealing, cheating that he did in front of or around me. I was meant to see it because it was an example for me to see face to face and learn how to not become that type of person. While he did what he did, he still managed to keep me safe by providing opportunities of safety with the women in his life. All these wonderful step mothers took me in and treated me as their own. They looked after me. They called (and still do) me their son. They taught me very valuable lessons in life. You know the most important ones like lift the lid and put it back down when you are done. (especially if you want to live longer than a few days! ) They Love Me as theirs still to this day.

To Chuck.

My only regret for this weekend was not that P could not stay longer, I do wish he could have. There is no doubt about that. It is that this weekend was the culmination of my G-Pa’s passing. It was him that brought P and T together. It was him that had the love of flying and how he shared that with any one that he meet. It was him that loved us both unconditionally. I only regret not listening to my gut and saying what I felt during dinner or just the times sitting around talking about him. I felt as though I needed to say “To Chuck“. It was because of this great man and teacher in life that I had the opportunity to learn how to fly. It was because of this great man that I found out that I fly just like my father. I miss the man that I had a great opportunity to call my G-Pa. G-Pa may you always fly above into the blue sky and watch over us as a protector and teacher in life. I love you G-Pa. Thank you so very much for the lessons that you have taught me. Thank you so very much for every thing. While I wish that you could have been physically here with us this weekend to join us in meeting, I knew you were here with us and felt your love even more so this weekend.