How is it? This is the question of my life. How is it a person can go their whole life not knowing just exactly who they are? How is it that a person can go through life not even knowing their last name? How is it? Let me tell you “Ako Sa Mas`”.
Here is a little story that I’d like to tell, about two bad brothers you know so well, it started way back in history…… (sorry, had to go Beastie Boys there for sec. Remember the title of this blog and you will have an insight as to how I think.) No really though it did start way back in history a little over 30 years ago. I know only two sides of the story of how it got started but the jests of it is P (my father) and T (my mother) shacked up one night when she came up to the Seattle, Washington area (where Nana & G-Pa were living at the time) from northern California on a hiatus or separation period from her then husband R. That night needless to say was the beginning of a long…… Well I am not sure what to call it. The times were filled with lies, deceit, troubles, moving (lots of moving from place to place), different women that came into my life as well as out (for which I am so very thankful for, not for the leaving part but for the kindness that they showed me. If it was not for them I am not sure where, or who I might be today), the only constant figure I had in my life was R at least until I was 14 years old and he told me to go and live with my step mom. This was a saving grace on his part because it partially led me to where I am today. There were times where I wondered who I was, where I was going, where I was going to end up, how was I going to get there and what was I doing but I do not think that my brain could have completely rationalized it to its fullest extent. The “IT” that I am hinting at or seemingly avoid saying is this.
I meet for the first time my father after almost 30 years. I turn 30 this year. I did not know he (P) was my father until I was 20. I did not know him! My family knew him. They (to include my mom, G-Pa, Nana, Aunti C, and Uncle M) knew who he was and what he was like. They knew his mannerisms, the way he walked, talked, thought and well they knew that P was just P. There is no other way to describe him. He is who he is. I to this date can not recall how many times I have heard that about my self. I have heard many, many times from people that I know, that “K is who he is, that is it.” This came from people who do not know P, but they know me. Even my wife will tell you this. She too met P this weekend. I will let her blog tell her story of the whole thing. I will not try to explain what she saw for the simple reason that I am not sure my brain has fully digested what it is thinking.
Finding your self in some one else.
I found my self this weekend or rather I found out more about who I am just from spending two days with a man. I saw things about him that still boggle my mind. I looked at his features and found that “hey that’s my leg.” Or “hey that is my chin”. We all went for a walk one night “B, E, P, Me and Dog in tow” and just the way that he walked was so familiar to me. How is it possible? How is it we could have the same style of walking and have never meet before this weekend? How is it that when talking to some one we both get excited and have the same hand gestures and we have never meet before this weekend? I always thought that this was something that you learned from your parents when growing up with them. I was proved wrong in this thought. There are so many similarities about him and I that it blows my wife’s mind away as well as mine. There are so many similarities yet there are so many differences. (again see wife’s blog about third party view point on similarities and differences.) I learned better as to who am I? I learned more of where my inner core being comes from. I now have a better insight as to the enthusiasm and exuberant behavior of mine & how it often gets mistaken as being cocky or overly aggressive and intimidating. It is not any where near that. It is more a sense of being excited and thrilled about what is going on around me, it is more of a surge on life. I found yet another behavior of mine in P. Here is the scenario. P and I have been cooking dinner all day for B’s dad and step mother. They finally show up for dinner and we are ready to eat. In true me form, P this time instead of me, is the silent one when meeting new people. For a little while there I was not sure what was going on. But after a few pokes and prods and well telling of good jokes, I get P to loosen up and he starts talking more. It was so strange to have to encourage what I viewed as my self into talking in a strange and unfamiliar environment.
Molded by life & the Women in it.
Life it self has molded me into the person that I am today. It was a long drawn out process just like any one else. How ever, if I had met my father 5 years ago or even 9 years ago I do not think we would have had the same outcome of this last weekend. Simply it was not meant to happen until now. Things happen when they do for a reason. What that reason is and who controls those reasons is so unclear to (in my opinion) all of us that we have to let it go and not worry about it but rather just go with it. I was meant to go with R from the time I was born until age 14. I was meant to learn from him what not to become and what not to do. I was meant to see the drugs, lies, stealing, cheating that he did in front of or around me. I was meant to see it because it was an example for me to see face to face and learn how to not become that type of person. While he did what he did, he still managed to keep me safe by providing opportunities of safety with the women in his life. All these wonderful step mothers took me in and treated me as their own. They looked after me. They called (and still do) me their son. They taught me very valuable lessons in life. You know the most important ones like lift the lid and put it back down when you are done. (especially if you want to live longer than a few days! ) They Love Me as theirs still to this day.
To Chuck.
My only regret for this weekend was not that P could not stay longer, I do wish he could have. There is no doubt about that. It is that this weekend was the culmination of my G-Pa’s passing. It was him that brought P and T together. It was him that had the love of flying and how he shared that with any one that he meet. It was him that loved us both unconditionally. I only regret not listening to my gut and saying what I felt during dinner or just the times sitting around talking about him. I felt as though I needed to say “To Chuck“. It was because of this great man and teacher in life that I had the opportunity to learn how to fly. It was because of this great man that I found out that I fly just like my father. I miss the man that I had a great opportunity to call my G-Pa. G-Pa may you always fly above into the blue sky and watch over us as a protector and teacher in life. I love you G-
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